Saying Goodbye to Addiction and Shame

Image

At the age of 35, I found myself navigating life as a divorced mother of three children. My world was turned upside down when I received my HIV diagnosis. In that moment, I felt utterly lost, like there was nowhere I could turn for support or understanding.

I couldn't bring myself to share my diagnosis with my parents, my friends, or even my work colleagues. The thought of opening up to anyone about it filled me with dread. But the hardest part of all was facing myself. The stigma and shame surrounding HIV were suffocating, pressing down on me and holding me hostage to my own fear.

When I was first diagnosed, I received advice that seemed simple enough: avoid smoking and alcohol, and focus on strengthening my immune system. Taking that advice to heart, I decided to make some changes. I quit smoking, embraced meditation, and started practicing yoga. These activities became a part of my daily routine and helped me regain a sense of control over my life.

But after a year or so, the novelty of my new lifestyle wore off, and I found myself slipping back into old habits. I started smoking again and reintroduced alcohol into my life. At first, it felt harmless—just a glass here and there—but soon, alcohol became my constant companion.

I turned to alcohol to keep me company.
I turned to alcohol to be my friend.
I turned to alcohol to bring me happiness.
I turned to alcohol to keep my secret safe.
I turned to alcohol to give me confidence.
I turned to alcohol to make me laugh.
I turned to alcohol to numb the pain.

It felt like a warm blanket, comforting me in moments of loneliness, sadness, depression, and anxiety. When the weight of my emotions became unbearable, alcohol was there to dull the edges.

My job was demanding, often requiring long hours and immense focus. After a grueling 50-hour work week, I would reward myself with a few bottles of wine, binge drinking and convincing myself that I had earned it. But over time, this routine became less of a treat and more of a crutch. I reached a point where I was tired of the hangovers, weary of the stale smell of cigarettes and alcohol clinging to me like a shadow, and exhausted from hiding from my true self.

I started to wonder: what would it feel like to attend a party or socialise with friends and colleagues without relying on alcohol? The idea was both terrifying and exhilarating. Everyone around me was drinking and I would be the odd one out. It represented a challenge, a chance to rediscover myself as someone who could embrace life without leaning on substances for support.

To begin this journey, I knew I needed to avoid situations that would tempt me to drink. I returned to my yoga classes and worked on replacing old habits with healthier ones. The path to becoming alcohol-free was far from easy. There were times I stumbled, times I gave in, but each attempt brought me closer to lasting change.

When my wedding day approached, my fiancé and I had many conversations about alcohol. He, too, had a history of smoking and drinking, and we both agreed that we didn't want alcohol to play a role in our special day. We decided to serve an open bar for our guests, but when it came time to toast, Adrian and I raised glasses of sparkling water and coconut water instead. We said our vows and danced the night away in the presence of our loved ones—completely sober. It was a liberating and joyful experience, one that proved to me that I didn't need alcohol to create meaningful memories.

There are still moments when I miss the feeling of unwinding with a glass of wine. But I've come to accept that I'm the kind of person who struggles to stop at just one glass. For me, one drink too easily leads to an entire bottle. So now, I choose to say no.

Quitting alcohol and cigarettes felt like stepping into an unknown world with no safety net. But I've learned that by letting go of those crutches, I've gained the freedom to fully embrace who I am.

Louise Vallace is the Founder and CEO of Aunty Lou’s House Limited, a vibrant platform dedicated to supporting individuals living with HIV and challenging societal stigma. She hosts the inspiring podcast "Aunty Lou's Hour", where she interviews people from around the world about their HIV journeys. She also goes onto the streets and talks to the public directly about HIV to open up a public dialouge about HIV.

Beyond her work in HIV awareness, Louise is a certified Yoga Teacher and Intersectional Coach, blending mindfulness and inclusivity into her practice. She is a proud neurodivergent and follows a plant based diet.

Learn more about Aunty Lou's House and get your free empowerment toolbox. For more social content you can follow Aunty Lou's House on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, and LinkedIn.