Today I took down my Christmas tree, quite late I know, but I left it up a little longer this year at my therapist's suggestion. I told her about how much I loved my tree stand and how it comforted me as a child, and still does, and she suggested that I might leave it up for a while, so I did. I enjoyed it and it comforted me after the election and helped ease my anxiety a little, but I know the time must come to move on. It's not going to get any easier and I can't see keeping it up for the next 4 years, cause I'm gonna need the comfort for all of it, but I must find the strength and courage to move forward.
I don't even know what that looks like yet. It's hard to find the confidence to move forward when you live in a world that hates you and wants to eradicate you. Yes, I'm terrified of the future to come, and I don't know if I have a place in it, but I still must put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at time, sometimes one moment at a time. I can't allow myself to lay down and die in a moment in history when my community needs all the help and support we can get.
I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready for everything to come, but I'll face it with the support of my sisters
"Be the change you seek in the world" is the old refrain, but it takes courage, patience, and resilience, and right now I honestly can't say that I have any of those qualities. I feel broken, beaten and completely demoralized. I'm afraid, I'm grieving and I feel hopeless, but one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time, that's all I can do for now. So today I took down my tree, I guess as a symbolic gesture of my determination to keep moving forward.
I don't know what the future holds or know what my reaction to that future might be, but I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to take one moment at a time until I see daylight again. This world won't stop spinning just for me and my broken heart, meetings will still take place, conferences will still convene, and the community still needs an advocate to be their voice. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready for everything to come, but I'll face it with the support of my sisters and try to do so bravely, because these times need warriors and I must be one for my community. So today I took down my tree.
Sending Light.
You have our support Katie. There are those who hold you in love, for exactly who you are, where you are in any given moment, and no matter how small the steps. We believe in you AND your existence. There is so much intersectionality in the communities being impacted and we haven't seen it all yet. Just know we are here and you are not alone.
You definitely have your…
You definitely have your sisters! I know many of us are in our corners of the world navigating our lives, work, businesses, family etc but this village will always show up!
I commend you for finding the strength to remove something that was providing such comfort. If you find yourself needing it, I’ve seen people keep their tree up year round and decorate it on the different holidays.
Maybe do the Christmas tree still feels special you can get a white tee the remaining months and decorate for valentines, Easter etc 💖
If you do share pics!!
Love you and know you have us!
This was such a raw and…
This was such a raw and powerful reflection—thank you for sharing your heart. Even in uncertainty and fear, your determination to keep moving forward, step by step, is an act of courage in itself. You are not alone.
In these times, we need each…
In these times, we need each other and to show up for ourselves and our communities. I live in Sweden but we see and hear about whats going on in the Us and other countries. Stay strong for you and your community , dont let them break you or the haters win. Much love, Kat xx
sending soooooo many hugs!
I am so sorry Katie, this time is rough. I love the idea of keeping your tree up - i thought about keeping mine up longer this year as well. I am sending you so much love and hugs during this very rough time.