My Mother's Day Dilemma

Mother's Day is never easy for me, because I don't have a relationship with my mother. She's not deceased, I just don't have a relationship with her, never really have to be honest. The reasons why are many and the story is long and complicated, but I'll try to share what I can.

I was basically born to two people who should have never had kids. They were children themselves who were totally unprepared mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. My father was about to turn 18 and found alcohol to make his life easier to tolerate, and my mother was just 15, dying to get out of home when I was born. Both were selfish, immature kids growing up with a baby.

But I loved my parents, especially my father. I don't really know why, he didn't really give me much attention that I remember, I guess that's just how a lot of people are, aren't they? Boys are usually momma's boys and girls are usually daddy's girls, and I loved my daddy to no end. I loved my mom and I wanted to be like her. I would watch her cook and help clean. We were much closer before the divorce. That's where our relationship was first damaged. It wasn't just that she left my daddy and wouldn't let him come home, it was how she responded to me when I would ask her questions. She would hatefully tell me to stop asking her questions instead of gently explaining to a seven-year-old why daddy was never coming home again. It was the beginning of the distance between us.

Not really having a mother has always had me looking for mother figures in my life, but choosing a mother figure has always been difficult too.

The rest of my childhood would endure several abusive stepfathers and constantly moving around because my mother was a gypsy who ran from her problems, never mind my own inner struggles trying to figure out who I was. When I was nine, I wanted to ask her if I could paint my nails, but I was afraid of the consequences if I did; I was afraid that she would disown me. I didn't trust her, my own mother, with my true feelings. Don't get me wrong, she did her “job” as a mother. She fed us, made sure we had shelter and went to school, she just wasn't very affectionate at all, she always seemed to be more concerned about her men than her own kids, so I never felt close to her.

When I was fourteen my mom found my secret stash of clothes under my bed - hers and my sister's clothes that I had stolen, and when I say she flipped out, it's an understatement I assure you. Her arms were swinging wildly at me as she screamed and yelled obscenities, then my stepdad jumped on me and started punching me. I don't know how I got out of it, but I got up and ran out the door and didn't come back. I knew I could never trust her with any of my secrets. So I really felt motherless. She even put me and my sister in foster homes or court run programs for being too unruly and rebellious (or in reality, just couldn't get along with the stepfather). My childhood was tumultuous, but it was over with my mother by the time I turned fifteen. I ran away for the final time and lived with my great grandmother until the day I married.

There's so much more to unpack about my childhood than this blog can cover, but I'll move on.

As an adult I have tried to develop a relationship with my mom, but she's kind of like a dog that bites, you can pet her and think everything is fine and then she bites your hand off. And mom is a Jehovah's Witness and doesn't celebrate any holidays or any days anymore, so when she converted she threw away all of our childhood Christmas ornaments and stockings. The only good memories I had from my childhood were in those decorations and though I begged her to not trash them but give them to me, she threw them away anyway. She's always been about what's more important for her. So building a relationship has always been difficult when I've never been able to trust her with my truth, or my feelings.

My mother has never had anything to do with my three children. They're all grown now and barely know their grandmother, and that's been the hardest thing of all to forgive. In fact, it seems the easiest way for me to forgive is with distance, and I guess my kids picked that up from me.

Not really having a mother has always had me looking for mother figures in my life, but choosing a mother figure has always been difficult too. When you've never been able to trust your own mother, how do you really trust anyone else? And many mother figures have come and gone in and out of my life. Right now I don't really have any, except for my Momma Dread, Antionettea Etienne. I adore her. I have many sisters and I'm grateful for them all, but not many mother figures.

So that's the short version of why Mother's Day is so difficult for me. My mother is totally absent from my life and I don't even feel like I can call her because the distance between us is so great that even a phone call can't bridge the divide. Like I said, there's a lot more to it but in short, I don't have a relationship with my mother like most everyone else does, and that absence is a huge void in your heart and soul. It hurts to not have a relationship with your own mother. So if you're a mother and you ever see me passing by, please stop me and give me a mom hug. I'll appreciate you.