HIV and Me

When I was 27 years old I became pregnant with my daughter. After my first prenatal visit, I found out I was HIV positive. At the time I really didn't know anything about HIV. There were a few things I thought I knew; like I was going to die at a young age. Immediately I thought of how I could give this horrible virus to my unborn baby. I thought of my fiancé standing out in the hallway. I thought, If I did have this baby I wouldn't live long enough to raise it. I finally have everything I've always wanted, and then I was given this death sentence. I immediately stigmatized myself, recounting any and everyone I had ever slept with. This was my fault, I did this to myself. I'm dirty, broken, and no good. These are all the things that ran through my head in those first few minutes.

It took a long time for me to feel like myself again. After having my daughter I experienced postpartum depression. Although I was never officially diagnosed (because I was afraid to ask for help), looking back, remembering how I felt every single day and my behavior, I KNOW I was suffering from depression. On top of being a first time mom and homemaker, I was also still dealing with my status. Only, I wasn't dealing. I was just taking the pill every day and keeping every thought and feeling pertaining to my status locked deep inside. I didn't disclose to anyone for almost two years. I was too afraid to tell; too afraid of what people would think. When I did finally tell, I felt a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It is a very heavy secret to keep. You feel like absolutely no one can or will understand.

I reached a point, about year or so after my daughter was born, where I was tired of being angry and miserable. I was tired of feeling helpless and sad. I was tired of letting this status define me for the worse. I wanted to make something good come out of it. Along with a lot of work on myself through personal development, I signed up for the 2017 NYC AIDS Walk. I raised a little over $300. Completing that walk for the first time made me feel empowered and I've been doing the walk every year since. It made me feel like I finally did something about my status; something good. After that, I reached out to a friend of mine to see what else I could do to get involved and she told me about the New York State peers worker certification. I got right to work and after almost two years of trainings and eight months of interning at an amazing agency, I am now a state certified peer worker for people living with HIV.

My goal is to help anyone living with this virus to feel better and stronger about living with it. To give the knowledge and tools to others who are positive and prove to them that this virus does not define us, it's only part of our story. We are so much more and are capable of being everything we want to be. We can be as healthy as anyone else, live as long as anyone else, and live happy lives like everyone else. I also want to help those who are negative stay negative. We have to end the stigma surrounding HIV and getting tested. We have to talk about it in order to overcome this epidemic. If each of us stands up and shares our story, it might help the next person, whether they're positive or negative.