Today I took down my Christmas tree, quite late I know, but I left it up a little longer this year at my therapist's suggestion. I told her about how much I loved my tree stand and how it comforted me as a child, and still does, and she suggested that I might leave it up for a while, so I did. I enjoyed it and it comforted me after the election and helped ease my anxiety a little, but I know the time must come to move on. It's not going to get any easier and I can't see keeping it up for the next 4 years, cause I'm gonna need the comfort for all of it, but I must find the strength and courage to move forward.
I don't even know what that looks like yet. It's hard to find the confidence to move forward when you live in a world that hates you and wants to eradicate you. Yes, I'm terrified of the future to come, and I don't know if I have a place in it, but I still must put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at time, sometimes one moment at a time. I can't allow myself to lay down and die in a moment in history when my community needs all the help and support we can get.
I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready for everything to come, but I'll face it with the support of my sisters
"Be the change you seek in the world" is the old refrain, but it takes courage, patience, and resilience, and right now I honestly can't say that I have any of those qualities. I feel broken, beaten and completely demoralized. I'm afraid, I'm grieving and I feel hopeless, but one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time, that's all I can do for now. So today I took down my tree, I guess as a symbolic gesture of my determination to keep moving forward.
I don't know what the future holds or know what my reaction to that future might be, but I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to take one moment at a time until I see daylight again. This world won't stop spinning just for me and my broken heart, meetings will still take place, conferences will still convene, and the community still needs an advocate to be their voice. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready for everything to come, but I'll face it with the support of my sisters and try to do so bravely, because these times need warriors and I must be one for my community. So today I took down my tree.
