It's Hard to Say Goodbye

**Content Warning** This piece discusses rape and child sexual abuse by a family member (resources available at the bottom of this page)

If you need help, call The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline in the US at 800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673). You can also find resources and get help online at RAINN (https://rainn.org).

Today I got the call that I have been not wanting to receive. I have known that my father has Alzheimer's, Dementia, and Parkinson's since May of 2020. It's been hard to make decisions for the person who I have felt caused me so much hurt.

At the age of seven years old till the age of 14, my father would abuse me sexually and physically. The first time that my father had sex with me I was seven years old, and it happened during Christmas vacations on the way to my grandmother's house. He picked me and my other siblings up, but before reaching his mother's house, we stopped at his house in Mexico. That night it was super cold and when we went to bed, we all slept in one bed, my father, two siblings and myself. I was laying next to my father, and I remembered he said ¿Mijo tiene frio? which meant Is my son cold? Innocent me, I said yes because it was cold, so he hugged me. He then started to rub himself onto me and he then lowered my pants and underwear, and he said, You know I love you, don't move - and said Don't say a word cause your brothers will wake up. I stayed quiet even though it hurt, and I started crying. When he finished, I remember I turned around and said, Why did you do this? He then said, You look like your mom and her family, and I hate them. I cried all night long. The next day we left to my grandmother's house.

I have mixed emotions at this time since I got the call. He has not passed yet, but he is in his last hours. On my trip to Texas from California, all I could ask God was for him not to suffer. I said Lord, why did you give him that illness where he never said I am sorry? I guess I should ask why. God knows why he does things. Upon my arrival in Texas, I realized I had not spoken to two of my eight siblings in over 15 years and here we were, all together again as a family, preparing to say our goodbyes to our father, the one who gave us life. It's been 28 years since we lost our mother, and now we are seeing our father pass away.

Four days after my arrival in Texas, at 1:30 am, I got the call that my father gained his wings and was no longer with us. I got up and walked from my hotel to the nursing home where my father had been living for the past two years. The emotional roller coaster began. On the next day we had a viewing where my family and I were able to pay our respects. I was asked to say some words about how my father was with us when growing up. I was really like You all are asking me to speak? I feel I have been the one that has been hurt the most by this man who was supposed to protect me and love me since I was his child. I did get up and speak; I spoke about how I hold no hate or anger towards him, how I was able to say to him, I forgive you and please forgive me if I wasn't the child that you deserved. I thanked him for accepting me for me, as Samantha, as his daughter, even though several times when I visited him he thought that I was my mother, LOL.

The reason I am writing this letter or blog is that I would like to let others know that if we ever want God to forgive us for whatever we do in this life, we need to learn to forgive. Honor your father and your mother; our parents don't come with instructions for us - and I feel deep in my heart that even though I lived that experience, I have forgiven my father and I ask my Lord to forgive him. And I hope one day we will meet again. I am a proud Positive Trans Latina Woman of Color, one who will always fight for Human Rights for LGBTQI, Trans, and PLWH (people living with HIV). We deserve our Human Rights and to live in this world with Dignity and Respect. I hope to hear from you all and hope to be able to talk about other matters that affect our lives.

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If you or someone you know would like resources or support in relation to the themes above, please see:

• Resources on the Intersection of Women, HIV and Violence
• Trauma and HIV
• Violence Against Women and HIV