What a proud moment when I was selected to be a part of the very deep campaign for Greater than AIDS for women, HIV, Trauma, Domestic violence and Intimate partner violence.
As a Latina I found it to be my duty to represent us and to put a face to HIV and IPV.
This is something that has never been easy for me to talk about in depth. I remember doing a keynote in Los Angeles for the Nurses Association and then flying to the other extreme the same day to New York. I almost was not able to make it to both! I am glad I found a way and I now realize that I came to Empower other women... but at the same time it was meant to Empower me!!!
I came to the set and said hello to all my beautiful sisters: Gina, Vickie, Michelle and Lynnea and of course all of the people that worked with us and catered to our every need. <3 Even my dear friend Krista (ED of The Well Project) was there for us in this very emotional, deep moment that we were about to encounter... Meeting Mrs. Tonya Lewis Lee as our moderator and seeing how caring and compassionate she was made me feel very safe... I was so scared.
So it was time to do the one-on-one first. I started speaking as I always do and putting the best face forward…empowering words…and I was told, “Maria, we do not want Maria the activist...We want simply Maria.” I said, “What?” OMG... my worst fears... I had to be vulnerable. And it is then when I realized that I disassociate myself from my story. I had to be raw and I was afraid by speaking and letting myself be vulnerable. I was like a child again…I cried so much and I think you can notice it in my eyes… We all did!
This broke me to pieces and to my core! I realized that I did not have my shit together as I thought and I needed HELP URGENTLY! Everything started crashing in on me… My marriage was in trouble, I entered one of the worst depressions of my life, I felt that I wanted to end my life and I felt hopeless and broken. Oh what a good actress you have been all of your life, Maria...I told myself!
So my wife begged me to go to counseling for couples and intensive therapy for myself. This is what I am doing now and I know that for some like myself, when it rains, it pours… I am about to have a fresh start…moving soon to another area where there is less hate towards us as a couple. I am fixing some things that were unresolved... I ended up having huge fights with my brother, mother and father, etc. It’s like everything I loved was getting destroyed and I couldn’t do anything about it!
I am now starting to feel that I am coming out of it. I realized I had not healed shit! I was glued together so I had to die a little and be broken to the core to get the help that I am getting! I now know that I had to go through this to be a better advocate and speaker and just a better person! I firmly believe that through pain and sorrow we evolve spiritually and grow. I have always thought of myself as a humble person and with much humility…I am even a more humble person after this Tsunami that I have been in! And this does not mean my life is perfect! Or that all my problems are solved! I had to have some tough conversations with the people that hurt me! I have to FORGIVE!! I have to let go of my past to move on! I almost lost my faith and I am glad I hung in there. I am thankful to all of those that reached out to me in these few months that I have been going through this rough time and this HELL!
My hope with this campaign is to start the conversations and to help women understand their worth... and if I wouldn’t have been through all of this... I would not be able to have this perspective.
I want women and girls…even men that go through this to know that it is ok to feel like shit! To feel scared and alone! But do know that where there is a will…there is a way! And nothing ever stays the same! Please reach out and get help! if you have no one...reach out to me mariahiv1111@yahoo.com and I will try to give you resources.
The group of women that made this campaign are all women that I love and know personally. We are all connected to my very dear The Well Project <3 This is something that will connect us for life. We were there for each other. When one of us cried, we all cried! We will be representing this campaign forever...not just one year...our voices will be heard forever and ever... and this is very deep. We were all shaking, having anxiety, sweating and crying. But we also laughed and just hugged each other!!
As women this is how we must be!!! We must empower and uplift each other…instead of putting each other down! I am proud that I was a part of this! I am happy that I did not give this away! I was scared and I almost recommended another woman for this…just because I was scared of the consequences and what I knew was going to happen once I let Pandora’s box open! But I did not give it away and I am glad I decided to be a part of this! I think I would have regretted this all of my life if I would have said no!
So, now I am going to try to stop controlling everything and just go with the flow of life! I am working on my fears! Fear is one of my biggest enemies! The enemy is FEAR. We think it is HATE, but it is fear.
My health has taken a toll as well because of all the emotions, stress and depression that I had and I am coming out of it! My T cells dropped to 280, maybe even lower now! Good news is I am still undetectable and my percentage went from a 24% to a 27%.
Change is coming and I will emerge as a more well-balanced, loving, healthy woman!
What did I take away from this amazing campaign? Priorities!!! Self Care and Self Love are a must! Therapy is a life long process for me! And it is ok to NOT be super woman! In vulnerability we also show strength! It is ok to reach out and get help! We all need someone! To women out there... don’t do it alone because you will break like me and get shattered into little pieces - find a network of sisters to help you and to listen to you!
It wasn’t until I asked for help and reached out that my process of healing from that little girl that was hurt… and all of those bad decisions in relationships… the guilt of portraying myself so strong, but inside taking all kinds of abuse from people! Now is when my real process is starting and I am healing! I am on my way!
IT IS NOT OK FOR ANYONE TO HURT ME, BULLY ME, ABUSE ME IN ANY TYPE OF WAY AND I HAVE THE POWER NOW!
Love and light
Maria Mejia
