She Don't Listen

"Ciarra. Just sit your ass down and write."

... this is really how I be talking to myself.

Cus I'm stubborn.

And, apparently that soft shit don't work with me.

You gotta get indignant.

Yell a little bit.

Not too much though.

Cus imma cry.

But I will always come up with an excuse.

Look for another way to serve yet another person.

So that by the time it's time to address what I need to do for me –

I'm tired.

And we all have to go to sleep.

That's justifiable, right?!

So whatever.

I will ignore the clothes on the floor and instead pour into here.

I will not respond to that call right now because – they can wait.

Instead, I will use my fingers to tap at the speed of thunder to get these thoughts out.

No I won't. Cus what am I rushing for?

See. I do this often too.

I short myself of time with me.

I do just enough to get by.

Enough to say I still fucks with Ciarra.

Sort of like how I've been done by people that don't really want me but don't want to let me go neither.

I give – just enough.

And to think.

I call myself feeling a way when someone else does it to me.

And now here I am doing it to myself.

I've slowed my fingers down. I'm hitting the keys with more intent now. More thought. More love.

Cus, where I'm going?

I even just took a moment to breathe.

And didn't even feel bad about it.

Because I deserved that.

I deserve the next breath too.

I deserve the space I take up.

I deserve to do the things that I love.

I deserve to write.

Tip: Stop putting everyone else's needs before yours.

What good is it to make sure everyone and everything else is getting the attention you should be giving yourself?

Like, does that make you feel better at night?

Or guilty?

Cus one day you gone look up and all this shit gone be over.

And all them ungrateful mf's aint gone remember what you did anyways.

What not to do: Don't not listen to yourself.

"Ciarra. Just sit your ass down and write… everything else can wait."

Self, you right.

I just be tripping sometimes.

+Ci Ci+