The darkness within me first visited me as a child. I was sexually assaulted and kept this shame to myself for seven years. This brought about a low self esteem, depression and isolation.
Today that darkness still exists within me. Sometimes it is just a small nuisance and other times it grows to an enormous size. This is complicated with the issue of disclosure of my HIV status at work and in personal relationships.
A former supervisor was working in human resources and somehow learned that I am HIV positive and decided to share this information with co-workers. Now while searching for work I can't help but wonder if this is a factor in getting no responses to my job searches. Additionally, when it comes to dating I never meet someone and get comfortable with them without the fear of disclosure.
I constantly struggle with loneliness and isolation. Picking up the phone to call someone is like picking up a heavy weight, but I have to force myself to do it. Going out to social events, especially alone, can feel like jumping off a ledge, but I must push through this anxiety. Once I get there I ususally enjoy myself. Finally, picking up a pen and writing when the darkness is strong is ever so difficult. Although writing breaks down the darkness so I must write anyways.
To fight this darkness I have learned that support groups and 12 step groups are very helpful. I have a long history of substance abuse in my family and former partners, so I attend National Alliance for Mental Illness group for individuals diagnosed with mental illness. I also meet with a therapist and psychiatrist regularly and take my medications as prescribed. Fighting the darkness within is a daily challenge, but to stop fighting is death.
No, this fight isn't easy,
No, this fight isn't easy, but it is defiantly worth it. Yes, part of that fight is fighting the comfort of the darkness. That fight begins with acknowledging and shining a light on the darkness so that it isn't comfortable. Thank you for your support in this fight.