A Sentence of Silence

**Content Warning** This piece discusses violence, including sexual abuse (resources available at the bottom of this page)

If you need help, call The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline in the US at 800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673). You can also find resources and get help online at RAINN (https://rainn.org).

During the last two and a half years I have been silent, my voice quiet and non existent. I misunderstood what the courts were saying to me. Today I adjust my sail and scream so I can clear my throat and begin to unload all the turbulence I have been navigating alone.

Two years ago I was attacked by a man who thought he could use my addiction and HIV against me. He did well as I have been tortured for a long minute in my own head trying to rationalize how I got here; how I will regroup? He couldn't control me by money or drugs so he created a lie to convince the cops I was a threat to him. Details are not important. A week after being arrested and learning of this deceit, I was in a major car accident landing me in a coma for three days. Alone with no one to help me, I was unable to even do daily activities of living. I could not get out of bed for days. I asked a person to help me (I could not move); that person began sexually assaulting me daily. No one would help me or believe me. Physically, sexually and emotionally abused for two years. I always get through my trials and tribulations so all I got was "You will be ok" or "You been through worse." I hate people for being that way to me yet I still show up for those in need.

It's freeing to have opened up this past month to two women. (For the record, my mindfulness class with Kat and Audrey gave me my first breath of fresh air.) I was in a different mindset and pushed through comfort into vulnerability. This took off like weeds. I was learning to prioritize me and what I wanted. The courts are putting conditions on me - so is life. Able to breathe, I took off the mask and took responsibility. I was using my old ways to cope. This was only compounding my problems. Which I am blind to. For joy comes in the morning and luckily, no matter how good or bad, there are only 24 hours in a day. To stick to the facts, have faith and do things I have never done before.

So fast forward, I'm coming out from under this rock. This reputation, this idea I let be replaced with how others see me in my chaotic state; I forgot all my accomplishments in one bad situation. I hold on to forgiveness and gratitude. Forgiving myself for dropping the ball when so many demons and trauma reappeared in life. With my many hats I wear, including addiction and HIV, I must never lose my own self respect and voice to reach others. Only through my own sometimes pain, many times happy experiences can I help another in a like situation. For this I am grateful to be who I am.

XO, stay beautiful,

Angel S.

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If you or someone you know would like resources or support in relation to the themes above, please see:

• Resources on the Intersection of Women, HIV and Violence
• Substance Abuse and Addiction
• Trauma and HIV
• Violence Against Women and HIV