I really wanted to write this as everyone I know always comments about how happy I always am, or appear to be, and I tell them that this is not always the case. I do have bad days but I pretty much keep those to myself….I wanted to share my first initial response to being diagnosed…or what I can remember as it is a bit of a blur?
I remember crying and seeing my Mum’s face and my one of my Best Friend’s faces looking bewildered, in total shock!!! I had to be admitted to the hospital as the doctors thought I also had TB which in fact wasn’t TB but a really extensive chest infection, so I was admitted to an isolated room in the hospital.
I was then transferred to a ward with mainly old women…it was harsh. I remember one night a porter wheeling away a metal coffin with the body of the old lady that had earlier been lying opposite me. I couldn’t sleep and would wait hours for some sleeping tablets, my mind was a continual rush of HIV/AIDS... what does this mean and How long do I have? And what would become of my son? as my relationship with my Mum wasn’t always very good and reliable…and to this day we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in over 7 years.
It was a lonely, dark time in that hospital and on returning home being unable to walk and do anything for myself as my body had been so destroyed by the virus. I would lie there really late at night feeling so isolated with this feeling of Shame and sometimes wishing that it had killed me as I didn’t want to go on like this…I was unable to walk for over three months and losing my independence was one of the hardest things in my life.
I had stashed away a lot of pain killers/sleeping tablets that I had managed to get off the doctor and had vowed to myself that if this was to be it, I would know what to do…I wanted some control over the quality of my life!
Months and months later my Sister found the tablets and just put it down to me being forgetful, and I sort of agreed and later used them in a piece of artwork as I really needed some closure over that time.
7 years on and I am walking, even though with difficulty and my feet really hurt. I try to remember those dark days and hope I don’t ever get in that situation again as to me ‘Quality of Life' outweighs 'Quantity of Life’ and I know I'm slowing down and my energy levels aren’t so good…I don’t want this thing to beat me…I have always been a fighter as have had to through my life, so I will continue to fight with whatever means I have…mainly through my Artwork and outspoken personality which I know probably offends a lot of people but hey that’s life and you can’t please people all of the time…and quite frankly I’ve never been a people pleaser as people can be so fickle. I am me, warts/HIV VIRUS and all……
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Ncoohh Wendy I just want to reach over and give you a BIGG HUGG even though I don't know you but I have an alliance to you since we have the same illness and your energy , courage and zest for life and just being grateful WOW !!!! I thought my life was over as well until I looked into the eyes of my kids and thought I'd be damned if I allow the virus to rob them of the only parent they have ever known so each day I take my ARV'S i eat right and even the youngest of my kids ( 11 girl , 5 boy , and 3 boy ) knows what time am suppose to take my meds we have made it a habit to all remind me of my meds . They fortunately tested negative and am Thankful to God for that . I love your artwork and to hell with the fickle people the person you need to connect with is your mom , my relationship with my mother hasn't always been great either but now I suppose she also realises LIFES TOO IMPORTANT TO WASTE CARRYING BAGGAGE AND WE ARE KEWL.