My Rock Gods Are Old Now

I've been noticing for some time now how all of my rock gods are getting noticeably older. The Rolling Stones and the surviving Beatles are in their 80s, Kiss and Queen are in their 70s now, Mötley Crüe, Metallica and Bon Jovi are in their 60s, and even Dave Grohl of Nirvana is in his mid 50s now. It seems so weird. It seems like only yesterday that I clearly remember them in their youth and glory, as was I, and now I'm being faced with the reality of my own mortality. I'm turning completely gray and have to color my hair to hide it. I'm getting wrinkles, thin skin, and other signs of aging. As much as I'd like to, there's no more denying the inevitable.

My grandparents are all gone now and so is my father, only my mother remains and she's not in good health. As strange as it feels to me, I have come to the realization that I am now an elder, a matriarch of my family, closer to my end than my beginning, and that realization churns up all kinds of thoughts and feelings. It's not just my rock gods getting old.

One of the things I think about now is how to take better care of myself and live with comorbidities. As I age, things seem to be falling apart. I can't see without my glasses, I can't hear, smell or taste as well as I used to, my skin cuts and bruises easily and my memory is shot. I'm taking daily medication for things other than HIV and getting new comorbidities all the time. I know I can't reverse aging, I can only ride the train to its inevitable destination.

I know I'm not that old; I'm only 51. I'll be 52 in July, but still I can't help but start thinking about what my legacy will be. How will I be remembered when I'm gone? I've never really cared that much about what people think of me (though deep down I do), but this is important to me. I want to be remembered well for good reasons. But to some extent we have no control over the thoughts of others. I've always tried to be a good person, but it seems like most people don't like me very much. I've never been a very popular person. Even my own family found it easy to disown me when I came out as trans and most still won't talk to me to this day, including my brother and my son. My ex-wife and I are friends now but it seems like she has few good memories of our marriage. So my legacy with my family won't be remembered very fondly. That makes my work so much more important to me and my colleagues like my new family, because my work may be the only good footprint I leave on this earth, and my colleagues among the only ones to remember me fondly.

Another new concern is having to think about end of life issues like making a will, assigning a person to have power of attorney or whatever, and how do you want to be buried or cremated. Making funeral plans is extremely difficult but becoming more necessary as the years pass. I must admit that it's going to be hard to navigate. It's one thing to think about it, but to actually start making concrete plans and decisions is another thing altogether, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

But one thing is for sure, time keeps marching on and she's no one's friend in the end. She has an hourglass in one hand and a sickle in the other and she's ever heading towards you whether you're ready for her changes or not. But I'm a pessimist so I digress, lol.

Perhaps I should try to develop a sunnier version of my concept of time, maybe I'll think about it more when I get time.