Back to Square One

Submitted on Sep 10, 2019 by Destiny Smith

Think about a world where everyone is positive. I mean you can only imagine right? Lately I've been just to myself not really going out and hanging out and wanting to be around others - well maybe a few people that I know accept me for all of me. See this year has been all about rebuilding myself, my confidence, my self love, self-care, the whole nine yards. I thought I made it. I mean I did it, we are in month nine of this year so only three more to go and I seriously thought I made it.

But then I went out on a day I specifically said I did not want to go out. I was okay hanging out at my brothers, around the people I was comfortable with. But everyone just made it a point that we go, so I went. My night wasn't bad at all until the end of the night. Everyone was just hanging around the parking lot, just talking and catching up with people. Someone decided to make a joke about my status, not theirs, not anyone else's, but my status, and now I felt defeated - and maybe it was because she said it more then once. Maybe it was because she said it in front of so many people. At that moment I seriously felt like the day when I first found out about my status. I shut down. I didn't even say anything back. I just walked away. I don't know how to feel about that situation.

Again, I thought I was doing great. I was doing wonderful, so what happened to me? I told my story, I live my truth, and I don't hide my status from anyone. Yet I let that situation send me back in a hole. I let someone else's insecurities hurt me so much that I didn't know how to respond… What do you do when you make it so far yet one trigger pushes you back to square one?

Comments

3 comments

Remember you are not your status

Submitted by Red40something • 5 years ago

In these moments its so important to remember you are not your status! People say dumb things out of lack of understanding. Out of fear. Sometimes its a way for them to feel like it could never happen to them, even though it can.

We all get triggered. its okay to feel it, just don't stay stuck in it!

Just remember you matter!

Thank you so much i needed

Submitted by Destiny Smith • 5 years ago

Thank you so much i needed that.

being the target of a joke

Submitted by Angel S. • 5 years ago

I feel your pain. I am often the targeted for being HIV positive by those who one day will stand up for me and then the vomit comes from thier mouth without warning. At first I thought I am going to quit doing this advocacy. Then as you mentioned , the reason people do this is thier own insecurities. You have done amazing things by sharing and speaking out. You are not alone and we need to stand together against Stigma. Recently I was banned from some public places for finally speaking my mind. I used to just listen to people say horrible stuff about me having aids;( I have hiv an educational moment) and smile like it didnt hurt only to cry behind closed dooors and wonder if I was worthy. Today I use those comments to educate instaed or retaliate. Easier said than done. This has been a process of up and down. Your courageous to share. You are worthy and never doubt yourself or let others define you by your status. Thank you for sharing this painful event. I am very sorry you had to experience it. Some people wll never know until it because thety dont want to. We are all here to support you. I have some blogs that may be helpful my journey is not easy and far from over. Thank you again. Virtual hugs. #sistersinsolidarityalways #smileandbebrave #neversurrendertostigma