(But even sometimes my spirit has a limit!!)
Sometimes I feel like I can't continue. I feel that the energy gets low. This is normal to me...it has always been like this. Ever since I was a teen I had this fear that I had to live every moment to the extreme. This is a good thing, but it can be a bad thing also for people living with HIV or any disease---and even for someone that is healthy.
I think what happens to me is that I live on a constant roller coaster. Ever since I changed my eating habits and practice forgiveness-- trying to be in the light and send light to others that may not have love for me--it's getting better. But as many of us know, we have good days and not so good days...and sometimes I suffer from fatigue and I HATE HATE HATE to feel fatigued!!! Just being there doing nothing...I know I am a very hyperactive person and I am a high energy person. Even if I am laying down trying to relax or even meditating, my mind always tries to roam somewhere on the things I have to do. So basically when my body shuts down, I push it with my spirit! I refuse to let my body control my spirit, but I am learning that I have to balance everything and not go from one extreme to another!
It's ok if we don't get to do everything we planned to do today...there is always tomorrow.
It's ok to just be lazy and not do anything. It's ok to say NO to others when you don't have anything to even give yourself! Because in the end, if you get sick or overwhelmed, you won't be able to give ANYTHING to anyone...including yourself.
I am learning to try and not stress on the future...the what if's...the future is not promised! Our past is gone, so I want to live for today! But here is where it gets tricky for me: LIVE TODAY TO THE FULLEST, BUT NOT WITH THE ANXIETY THAT THERE WON'T BE A TOMORROW. So yes, my spirit is strong as hell! Yes, I am a strong woman! But even the strong fall.
I don't want to fall. I want to continue on living healthy and having that perfect balance. So even though many years have passed living with this virus, I am still in cycles with it...or maybe I am just getting older and wiser...I don't know.
I just know that every time I get up and feel 100% healthy, I try to do it all...live it all, but then the time comes when my body says: Maria, slow down or I will make you slow down! So what does my stubborn self do? Push myself to the limit..that is why I know that my spirit is stronger than my body and mind!
I believe that is why when I am emotionally sad or I feel my spirit weak is when I have felt the sickest and this is like a vicious cycle. I hate to feel sick, but I make myself sick taking my body to the limit. So then I find myself laying in bed, not feeling well..thinking too much! And BAM! My spirit stumbles. So I can't do this to myself anymore!!!
I need to step back and relax and breathe...really enjoy life and the days I am feeling 100%. Sometimes I also think that I do this to myself because I feel that I want to take advantage of feeling strong. I dont know...
I also have to accept that I am HUMAN...and that we don't feel 100% all the time! HIV negative people get sick also. They get low on energy also! I have to stop being so hard on myself and my body...even if my spirit always pulls me through.
I have sat and thought--and even friends that observe me have noticed--that I don't rest how I should. I think I am resting...but am I? Really, let's think about it...do we really rest our bodies and mind?
Maybe this is one of the reasons that I have been undetectable for more than 11 years and my T-cells never go up more than 399..never ever! Even though I don't get sick or hospitalized (thank God), this is causing a form of stress in me that I have learned to live with all my life!
So this woman will try and chill and relax. I hope if someone can relate to this, you will also do the same.
There is always tomorrow. Enjoy today, but with measure...hold your loved ones...take time to walk, to watch your favorite show, to share with your family...just put yourself first! There is always tomorrow! And if tomorrow never comes, at least you will leave this life knowing you gave your best and lived the best you could without pushing yourself.
So yes, my SPIRIT pulls me through, and I am thankful for this! But I want spirit, mind, body and soul in harmony as one.
Love and Light,
Maria T Mejia
U know very well as I do, Maria, my sis-in-arms, that it is all in the "mind".....One need to learn how to "control" the mind and in return the body control itself. Spirituality thereby is a strong force, and it teaches us how to weed out the negative energies and bring in the positive vibes. No wonder then that those who are spiritual in nature are also the masters in "twisting" their mind in face of some calamities or disappointment. They see these as a challenge and thats what make them a winner, a fighter in life.
I know I am a little behind on reading up on everyone but I had to comment on all you shared. I identify with you 100 %!!! The way and the length of time of being infected are almost identical!! You are like the "Hot Momma Activist" twin of mine LOL. I am very sorry for your loss. That makes this disease even harder to deal with sometimes when you have one of your support systems called "home". She is watching down on you and wrapping her loving arms around you each day and I'm sure she is laughing when you laugh at the silly things you may do during each day. It will be ok. She was sent to you to give you love and teach you some wisdom even tho her time may have been short. I don't have a clue about her and your relationship with her I am just speaking from my heart.
I also wanted to maybe help you when you are idle and trying to rest and your mind decides to take off on it's own. My mind does the same exact thing. I try to meditate on one word. Example: the word PEACE I say it in my mind over and over again and try to them picture what that means to me--I am very visual person. Or the word FORGIVENESS, I picture the person I am trying to forgive being nice and me praying for God to change their heart as well as mine. Not sure this will work for you but when I finally get up because I don't or can't fall asleep I feel so much more at peace. I hope this helps someway, somehow. Remember you are my HIV Superhero even when your body doesn't let you physically do the things you would like to. You may be idle but you are still reaching others.
You are truly precious and I love your spirit. You shine love and light just through your blogs. I can't wait to meet you one day.
I feel this way a lot & I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one. I was being hard on myself and pushing myself to the limit because i thought people would think i was just being lazy. And just think I have a 2 1/2 yr old that keeps me running. But like you said, If you get sick, you wont have anything to give anybody.
Love this,Thank God for you Maria
Oh wow! Angela! your words just touched my soul <3 ty so much for always beiing s special and do know we will meet one day! light recognizes the light.
much love and light to you
and ty for feeling my blogs <3
xo
Maria
@Trista! yes..you are NOT alone.. we tend to push ourselves hard as women! but it is ok to rest. and if we continue to run ourselves down we will get sick and like I said..what good will we be? much love and light to you sister.
Maria
Hello Mirriam <3 I prayed so much last night and said my goodbye and see you soon to me very dear Maidita <3 if it was not for people like you ( my support system) my partner,mother etc..I would get sick..I know I have to let go..and think that she is in a better place..where there iis no more disease,pain,hurt,disappointment. I love her and always will..but I have to keep myself togther as she would like.when I wrote this blog it was on the day she died :/ and I didnt even know it then...
Love and Light
Maria
Hello baby gal, sorry for the lost i can feel the pain that is shutting you down, but i know Maria is strong woman with a heart of gold. I love you strength in your spirit lift it higher baby its not the end of the road. some times its good to be in that state of mine we learn alot from it. Stand up my mentor. Love
yes, Sheree I feel you 100% I just had a loss of someone that was like a mother to me :( I feel shattered
love and light
hahaha Maria when you idle it doesnt mean the engine is turned off.I find it easier to slow my body down(its does it on it own anyway)than my brain.Why are so disciplined when it comes to the physical and yet have a hard time controlling our minds.I dont know either,but if anyone ever figures it out I am sure they will be pretty rich..lol..I hate trying to make plans and then finding I dont have the energy to do them.ahhh such is the life of an older poz woman.hugs dear lady,now go rest up for tomorrow