My Story: Living with HIV
Prologue:
"I bloody hell want the divorce. I don't care whether you kill yourself or run away or even go to the court, but I won't leave you until I get the papers signed!!!" And he thrashed me, twisting my arms at the back while my screams grew louder enough for the maid to come running and separate me from him.
"I will see to it that you will not get out of the house unless you sign the papers", he threatened and walked away, leaving me stunned, my heart tearing out like thousand daggers. I wanted to scream, but I cannot. I wanted to beg, plead, but I cannot. I wanted to run to someone whom I could trust, who could understand me but I cannot.
Story:
Year 2006. I was on my third month of pregnancy when I was diagnosed positive. My whole world came crashing down. Poz? Me? Not possible! There has to be a mistake. I looked at him. Looked deeped in his eyes. Waiting for the answers. My mind was churning thousand questions but no, I can't be thinking like that! I trust him. I must not assume things. My eyes beseechingly waited for his report and my ears strained to know the result. My heart was thumping hard. Finally the doctor walked in ..... "Negative"
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? If he is negative then how I am positive? How? My mind started racing..........
Year 2004...On Jan we got married. Within a few months I became pregnant. I was overjoyed to know that I am finally becoming a mother. But my happiness was cut short when he said "Baby, I want you to abort. I dont want to start a family yet. Not now." I remembered the argument that followed after but then he won. And I aborted the baby with deep pain in my heart. Not once, not twice but THRICE!!!!! Three abortions, three different hospitals in span of two years starting 2004-2006. While undergoing fourth abortion, I was being screened and handed out the report "HIV POSITIVE"!!!!
Ok, so I got infected from any one of those hospitals. And I don't know which one amongst the three. Besides, I had destroyed all the previous abortion reports and files, so I can't just walk up to them and charge-sheet them. I wish I could had!!!! But then........
"I will be with you, baby, don't worry. You have me throughout your life. And I am not scared. So stop thinking too much. Stop crying, please, or else you make me weak". The comfort, love and care that he gave made my world. Then what happened? What destroyed our marriage? What changed his love for me completely? What made him so angry? What led him being in Extra-Marital Relationship? My post-partum depression? The change in my behaviour? Me being poz? Or just not too good for him anymore??? Or was it the scare that finally gotten in to him? I never know. I still don't know.
Epilogue:
I cry silently for my child. My son was born (negative) on March 2006. After divorce, my baby went to his custody. I work as an IT Professional, standing on my own two feet, braving the world, its hardships and men. At the same time, I am also fighting for my rights, right to see my child, maintainence, or lets say, the divorce alimony. He has remarried, hardly in touch with me now. Deep inside me, the hurt, the pain, the traumas are still there, but outside I have learned to smile, to laugh, to live again. I may be broken, but never defeated. I am just biding my time and will strike when right. All I need is not pity or sympathy but CONFIDENCE to go on.........
More about Mumbaiyya Gal
Bio: My name is Jyoti Dhawale, which in Hindi, the national language of India, “Jyoti” means “Light”. As in “The Ray of Light”. 1976 born, am diagnosed with HIV on 2006 due to medical negligence. I love travelling, music and dance is my passion, reading my time-pass hobby and watching movies a great stress-buster. I love life and even if the toughest of situation break me down, it wont DEFEAT me and my will to live. Am born a rebellious fighter and love being in company of people, be it online or in person.
I was married in 2004, got pregnant in 2006 where I learnt I had contracted the virus, carried baby to full terms and gave birth to hale, hearty healthy son (negative) thru C-Section. In 2007, my marriage started crumbling and divorced happened in 2008. I dont know if the failure of my marriage is due to my being HIV-positive or due to fear (my ex-husband is negative), or maybe because I was not fit enough in either of my responsibilities as a mother and a wife. But that was my Past. Now my present lies in helping eradicating the ignorance, educating the masses, showing myself as an example which is the biggest challenge I face, especially in a country which is conservative and orthodox…But then CHANGES begin in you and it starts with YOU.
Why Mumbaiyya Gal (Jo) wants to be a part of A Girl Like Me: Here, in India, HIV/AIDS is a curse and those who are living with it are treated as “untouchables”. I want to reach out, through the powers of media, to even the remotest place, and extend my hands to those crying for love, care and acceptance. In a conservative country like ours, I want to expose myself to show that HIV is not related only to the poor, the downtrodden, prostitute or drug/sex addicts. Even your well-do-to neighbour could be one! We need to reach out, speak up and be heard!
Dianne, thanks a lot for your input and support. YES< we need to address the stigma head on, speak up and be heard. So lets all do it together as ONE. Thats where an individual get the strength from.
Keep watching this space weekly for more :)
(((Hugs)))
Hey Girl I am so proud of you, You so brave than many of us out here
I wish i can be as brave as you