Today was one of those days. In exactly 9 days I will have been diagnosed with HIV for exactly two years, and as that day is getting closer, I feel my world getting smaller. It's like my mind is hiding and going back into a shell to protect myself from hearing that news. Don't get me wrong, I love me. I fully accept my status and I appreciate my lesson, but I can't help the fact that I get triggered. I can't help the fact that I fall into this depression. I catch myself not wanting to communicate with others, not wanting to do anything but work, and that's exactly what I did in 2017, until I was put on bed rest and couldn't work anymore the rest of my pregnancy.
It’s not a good feeling at all and I wish I could avoid it. Maybe this blog writing will help that, because now I'm not holding it in. But all those emotions that hit December 26, 2017 are rushing back to me and I don't know how to make them go away. I'm sad, mad, hurt, disappointed all over again - and why? Why do we have to deal with triggers? Why do we have to feel something we thought we overcame? I guess it's life, but again, why?
Trggers
You may find things that trigger you off and on for many years. It is definitely okay to feel the feeling, the important thing is to not get stuck in it. So allow yourself to feeling so you can grow from it, but don't unpack and live in it!