My First AIDSWatch

I just had an awesome experience in Washington DC at my very first AIDSWatch, and I plan to share my experience with you in full honesty, though I'm a little ashamed to do so. But in order to benefit you, should you ever get the opportunity to speak with your legislators as a representative of your community, and I hope you will, I will share my humiliation with you.

The thing that I'm ashamed to tell you is that I committed an advocate's greatest sin; I went in less prepared than I should have.

I went to the plenary and the workshops, I read all the materials and talking points, I planned and strategized with a few of my team members, but I still felt unprepared. This was my first AIDSWatch so I didn't know what to expect, but as a Policy Fellow trained by The Positive Women's Network USA that's no excuse; I should've known better. So what happened?

I suppose put honestly, I got lazy. I got busy and distracted with everything else that I was doing and failed to put in the time to really research and prepare for my meetings. I thought I'd be ok though, I thought surely I know enough off the top of my head to talk for a couple minutes anyway. But then there was another issue that handicapped me as well: stage-fright anxiety.

This is an issue that has plagued me my entire life, no matter how much I try to work on it and tell myself that they're only human, same as me, that they have insecurities too and have experienced many of the same human experiences that I have, yet when I open my mouth to speak my body heat feels like it rises sharply, I start to sweat, and my mind goes blank, everything that was on my mind to say completely escapes my brain and I feel like a deer in the headlights, and it's one of my greatest fears to be standing there looking stupid, lol.

Don't let me make this sound too bad though, I think our meetings went really well; we discussed the issues and gave our ideas and the staff were receptive. However, when it came to commitments, we got politics, and even though my anxiety struck again, I pushed through it and spoke about what I thought the transgender community needed in our state, but I forgot my specific ask, the anxiety hit me again, my mind went blank, and my team had to help me out. Maybe this is a common experience among first timers, I wouldn't know, but I felt humiliated, and I will never feel this way again.

Maybe if I had better prepared myself beforehand, done my own research, and not leaned so much on the organization of others to prepare me, or maybe if I had gotten enough sleep the night before, or if I had practiced role playing with someone, or if I had studied more, if I had done this, that or the other; so many things I can think about I wish I had done differently. I can be pretty critical of myself, but these are lessons learned for next time.

These meetings can happen quickly and you need to know exactly what you want to say in a short amount of time, sometimes you may not get the materials from the organizer until the day before or the day of your meeting which gives little time to study and really commit to memory, so you really need to do your own research long before you go. You should know your congressman's stance on your issue, their history and situation, their apprehensions and their passion, their hard lines and their areas of possible persuasion, their allies and opposition, and have a plan… and by all means, don't forget your ask!!

I was lucky I had a great team with me who had my back, but I shouldn't have needed them; I was trained to be better prepared and no matter how busy or distracted I was with other things I should've been better prepared. It was my responsibility and I didn't do a good enough job of preparing myself. Sure, we all get busy and have lots of things that demand our attention, but I'm sure I'm not the only advocate with lots to do, and I also know that some things only come with time and experience. I have no doubt that I will learn, and evolve, and become a better advocate with time, but I'll probably keep beating myself up over everything I did wrong, it's how I keep it from happening again, I try to really drive it into my brain, lol.

So, let me leave you with this: do your own homework, don't just rely on the organizers to prepare you, don't let the moment overwhelm you or intimidate you, we all fear and have insecurities but courage is action in the presence of fear and anxiety; and they're only human too. You can do this, never doubt that, but you need to prepare yourself with your own work. It will give you the confidence you need to speak without fear in the face of power.

I really didn't want to write this blog. I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't prepare myself as well as I should have as someone who's been trained to prepare herself well, but the best way I can prepare you is to share my experience with you honestly. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself, I'm guilty of that a lot, lol. I exaggerate my shortcomings to myself. Everyone tells me I did fine, but I wasn't happy with my performance. I know I could have done better, and next time I definitely will, and I hope that by sharing this with you maybe you'll be able to avoid my mistakes. There's no substitution for doing your own research and knowing exactly what you want to say. Your voice is important and deserves to be heard, so fortify your voice with your own preparation.

My next blog will be more about the upside of my experience, so stay tuned.