I come here when things are rough. When my head is so full I have to put it on paper. I can't say that I put it all here. I try to filter some of the harder stuff so I don't freak anyone out. Thoughts are so naturally linked to emotions that sometimes they are more extreme than they have a right to be.
I lost my dream job a couple of weeks ago because there was this undercurrent of mean girls, people who felt threatened if you shone brighter than them. I knew it was an issue but I underestimated how far people would go to eliminate the perceived threat—me—or anyone else.
Thoughts are so naturally linked to emotions that sometimes they are more extreme than they have a right to be.
Unfortunately, it's the accepted culture there. Part of me is glad to be away from that toxic environment. But the other part of my soul is so sad to have lost the connection I had with my clients. I worked hard to get that connection, the trust and working rapport with a bunch of teenagers who were so much like me at their age, so angry at the world, so lost and confused but determined to fight their way forward no matter the cost.
It physically hurts me to know that someone's ego was more important than the job I did everyday.
Now I am in limbo land. I am sad to also have lost the connection with other staff there. Only a few have reached out or responded to me. It reminds me so much of the loss I felt when I was diagnosed with HIV in 1989.
The isolated and feeling of rejection from the world that didn't even know me was difficult to adjust to. I often worry that my co-workers consider me some kind of antisocial snob. Even though we got along and they flocked to my dorm and office to chat, there was always a barrier there.
I know he works in mysterious ways. I just hate the fumbling around in the dark part, the blind faith that is so scary and all the questions in my head.
I know that most non-pos people can't get their heads around HIV. Even there at my job I would hear so many co-workers sneer about it or laugh when I would educate my kids about HIV/AIDS in a group setting. They still spread false information because they are ignorant. I don't share my diagnosis with anyone ever. I think about it but always come back to the reality of how many relationships have magically evaporated when someone finds out. It's as if they feel betrayed. That you would dare to expose them to HIV/AIDS, like it's in the air, as if it can jump from me to them as simple as that.
So here I am, in my home where I am safe for the moment. My heart hurts, my soul is sad. But I have been here before, it just never really seems to get much easier. The loss of something important. I've never been fired in my life, until this. I ask GOD what now? I ask, why? What's next? I thought I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was good at and achieving that beyond even my own expectations.
What now God? I worry there is some awful reason. I know he works in mysterious ways. I just hate the fumbling around in the dark part, the blind faith that is so scary and all the questions in my head.
I'm looking for something I can do as a work from home job. That way I can safely isolate, and it will not look or feel odd to other people. I got my Bachelors in an online environment. It was the best educational experience I have ever had.
I am praying for a job where I can stay home on my farm where I have the most support and will be safe from mean girls. God bless you all sisters.
