I haven't blogged in so long but felt the need to. There have been many changes implemented in my life this past year. I've moved. I've changed jobs. I've changed doctors. I've Changed Medications. I've Changed Friends. I've become more focused on being free of the things hindering me.
I spent many years where my world revolved around others... Helping others, Helping in the community, Helping in Church, speaking in different settings, book signings, Keeping You Happy, Unknowingly Losing Me.
When I found out I had HIV 13 and a half years ago, it became My Goal to Make Sure I Made A Difference. I Had A Lot of Head Knowledge but struggled practicing what I preached. I felt like each day I needed to do something to help others, but I Never Helped Me Too Much because I was too busy working, helping you and maintaining an image that everything was fine. I was getting worse instead of better. Agitated, Resentful, Depressed. I could easily Inspire You but I Couldn't Inspire Me.
I always had a handful of those close to me who knew I wasn't as together as I wanted to be and tried to portray myself to be. Being HIV+ put me in a high stress panic mode any time I thought something was wrong with my body. I would obsess and usually it was bigger in my head than it really was. I diagnosed myself many times through internet searches. If I had a headache, I would fear the worst. I didn't maintain well at all this image of who I wished I could be all the time. I snapped at people who loved me. The real me came out and when it did, that girl needed help.
This past year, I stopped the book signings. I stopped blogging. I stopped being as involved in helping others as I once was. I have been spending time on me. My life changed drastically in a small amount of time. I realized I felt lost. I realized my identity was enmeshed in pleasing you. I felt guilty and angry each day I wasn't doing something for someone else and ironically, I was taking that with other baggage, out on you. I felt like I was supposed to make a difference but it never occurred to me until now that God wants me to Make A Difference in Me. I realized I Am Valuable Enough to spend time "doing me."
So I just want to say, it's alright to "DO YOU." I Believe God Wants Us To. And last but not least... Don't Diagnose Yourself through obsessively Searching on the internet...... It May Just Be A Headache....
