I Grieve Publicly Because I Am Too Old to Do It Alone

I grieve publicly because I am too old to do it alone. Then again It could be just me…

Sometimes, just sometimes when I despise being able to hear, see and feel, when I am unable to disable my senses, and not able to control the moment… When old moments venture into my space… At times my skin vigorously claws into me. Then again it could be just me...

I pray I forget all but I am unable to. A number can be a reminder how old my precious babies could have been. A second of this can stop a healthy heart beating. Then again it could be just me…

Technology, how I wish. Then again it's just a wish. Technology cannot replace my womb. Sometimes I blame it on my ears. What brought that. Without a miss, my heart viciously checks on my womb. No that can't be fixed - was taken out too. The moment of darkness overshadows a moment I should be happy for another. Again it could be just me...

I am old, have aged with my virus, in some way I am in the AGE of craving for irreversible moments. Moments like these too painful to bear too scary to cry, too dark to forget. Then again it could only be me...

Sometimes nothing seems to matter. When I am able to take all the shamed, the insulted, the neglected and the discriminated parts of me as part of my existence. Then again it could be only me…

I know you are not alone because I am here. Aging with HIV has moments of grief. Sometimes it's ok to grieve. I grieve publicly because I am too old to do it alone.