The early morning cool breeze whiffed past my hair when I opened the balcony door. The first ray of the rising sun provided the much needed natural vitamin for my skin. Basking in the sunlit glory, with a mug of warm milk in my hand, I admired the beauty of nature around me. Colourful reddish orange sky, birds flying together in flocks, milkman and newspaper delivery guy doing their daily rounds, and few people hurriedly saying the quick bye’s and blowing flying kisses before starting their vehicles to the office.
I sighed. How I wished I had a family. That I too would be rushing off to my office, go down the stairs, out of the building, blow them flying kisses, seeing love on their face knowing that they will be impatiently waiting for me to return in the end of the day. But the only thing now that is waiting for me is the empty loneliness of the four walls of my house, floor demanding attention to be mopped and cleaned, dishes in the kitchen sink lying in wait for me to be scrubbed and washed dry. But hey, wait!! Despite the loneliness and quietness that fills my house emerges a melodious spiritual music playing from my stereo laptop. And in the corner of the living room lies a strong unseen force. Lord Krishna and his consort, Radha. Although being abandoned by my family and relatives, and friends rarely checking in, I have no one to turn to except God. I often wondered why people remember God when they are in problems /depression? God was there in every point of your life, in your ups and downs, high and lows but we chose to remember Him when we have hit the lowest bottom, and then cry out “Why me”??!! We have forgotten the very existence of God! And thus, while I look at the beauties of nature, and the sun that is now already high up in the sky, I look at God too knowing that he had never left me! I never fail to take one last look at the corner where a small picture was kept before I leave home for work. And after 11 hours, when I return home, unlock the door, I chirp “Krishna, am hooooome”!! Of course, there is no one to come running to hug me, or make me rest while they pamper me with food/drinks and ask questions of how the day had been. I use to silently go in, change my dress, take my chanting beads, switch off the light, leaving the corridor light on, and meditate for two hours on the powerful “Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra” which gets over as the sun rises.
Thus here I am, at the balcony door after I am done with meditation. Looking around, I see pigeons. A flock of pigeons have started using my Kitchen terrace as their home, laying eggs, tending to it till it hatched, and then taking care of the babies till they are old enough to leave home and fly again. And when I think of cleaning the kitchen terrace once I see the bird grown and fly away, I see yet another egg. Sigh! Thus the flock has now grown in 10 months time. They were my only companions thou their screeching sometimes irritate my ears. Pigeons aren't as melodious as nightingale or even chirpy like a sparrow, but you should hear them when it starts mating! Grooooaaaaan. At least I thank God, it is not a crow!!
A scream of “mummmmmmyyyyy” distracted my attention. Facing my balcony is a mini-playground and a small child was joyfully swinging away. My heart felt a painful pang. I remembered my own child who will be 6 yrs old on March 31st. He was separated from me at the age of 2 and a half when his father forced me to sign on the divorce papers. I miss playing mother to him, who would keep me on my toes all the time, running from one room to other. I miss his mischievous pranks, I miss his tantrums, I miss his hugs, and above all, I miss his smiles.
Screeeech!! Kraaaok Kraaaok!! There! The irritable voice again! It is the pigeon!! The male pigeon was trying to charm the female one by swelling his body, ruffling up feathers and going round-n-round in circles, then sitting atop her! Nice way to start their morning, eh? Looking at them reminds me of my own love-life (after the divorce) that had been so beautiful but later on had been full of pains and agony. Thou I do not want to go into details here (else it would have been yet “another” story), this is the only moment when I start hating the virus. Just when everything had been snatched away from me and after 3 years, I finally found someone to love again, and live again, this darned virus flipped my life. Breaking news to him was not only hard for me, it was more hard for him. Thou we don’t date anymore, and things aren't the same as before, I sometimes think how my life would have been had I NOT been positive. The only consoling factor is that he is now my close friend but also painful to live with as well coz love changing back to friendship is the most hardest thing one can accept and endure. BUT do I have a CHOICE?
Dear Sassy Diva,
It is not easy being that strong where u can put a brave face when in fact u are breaking inside! But world is very cruel and life is like that. No one can understand your pains and sufferings and those who do understand will only sympathise which I dont want. I dont dwell in pity or sympathy. But you know what? There is a proverb "God helps those who help themselves". So dearest Sassy Diva, just trick yourself to make even the bad day feel blessed, and the worse things that has ever happened will actually be like a blessing to you! My secret is (shhhhhh......its suppose to be secret but I have no other ways to say it except here) Train your MIND and your HEART will train itself!!! :)
Love n hugs......