This Is Where I Am At

Hello friends.

What a life. I am without a lot of words as I begin to write. Still getting over being banned and overlooked by my mentor and peer navigators. I signed a paper in my medical directive to keep a couple people from my medical records. I don't feel that they play a big enough role in my hands-on care and too much has become personal and again, no relationship resembles such inclusion so why am I wrong to do with my healthcare as I see fit?

I really am missing out on the new things happening in the community so I am venturing to new events to make new acquaintances and continue my education of how HIV affects and intersects in my area.

I was excited to go through training for speaking. I am no longer welcome and this depresses me. A stranger in my own element. Due to a HIPAA investigation initiated by my discomfort of information given to those who have limited interest or involvement into my personal care.

There are other peer navigators at our ASO clinic yet select people keep me from being a part of my group. The outlets for women living with this condition is limited in my area.

So what is next for me? Do I roll over and allow another to dictate what I need or when I need it? Yet never having time for the people eager to learn and comply to a way of living? I feel cut off at the knees. I'm just sad and disappointed by the very ones who helped me come to terms with my condition.

I am the expert on me. I will grow in my time. Does this make me less a person, less valuable, less of a deserving woman because we disagree? I stay honest with my doctor, take my meds, try to participate; I really do my best to stay present while remembering my self care and mental health. I have been remaining clean yet depression seems to be setting back in for lack of support. I sit days in the house in pain, dying slowly from the inside out. This sucks.

I'm writing so I am not alone. Also it's important to know I can be a part of my own success and stay a part of decisions made about my current situation. So I am venturing into the LGBTQ community to hear how they plan to move forward all the while meeting new people in the community, hearing about legislation and experiencing how intersectionality brings us together.

So I may have to make a brave move, I will not be left behind. I will not be defined by another. I will not stop advocating, or bringing education to those most in need.

Thanks for letting me share. Stay Beautiful, we are worth it! Never forget even when it may seem near impossible we can push forward together. Never let someone's opinion become your reality. Never sacrifice who you are because someone has a problem with it. Love who you are.