I often read the blogs where women have found empowerment by revealing their status and becoming involved as AIDS activists. I admire all of you who are so honest. The mere thought of sharing mine publicly makes me break out in a cold sweat. I know I would lose my job as a teacher, even though I've taught for 25 years and know I'm effective in educating kids.
Yet, I feel I'm living an unauthentic life by having this dark cloud secret hanging over my head. The status has basically paralyzed me as far as having a relationship with a man. Having been rejected once, I certainly don't want that situation again. I felt very vulnerable and fearful that he might tell the wrong person - what if it were to get back to the administration in the school district where I teach?!
The best way I've been dealing with this dishonesty (if you will) has been to co-lead a Gay Straight Alliance club at the high school where HIV is a topic we discuss as a group. Educating young adults and helping them become activists for HIV, Gay rights and bullying has given me some peace.
Additionally, I've allowed myself to be a guinea pig for the AMA. I'm currently in four studies. One study is for a new drug combo. The other studies compliment the first - neurological, physiological, and the most recent - how HIV affects aging. When I decided to do the first drug combo study I couldn't see any reason to NOT participate in the rest. Although it makes for long days and sometimes grueling testing, I guess this is my way to help out. Someday I hope to use my voice. Right now, I'm allowing my body to be used. Now then, where's that study for inflammation!!
I am battling with weight loss
you have mentioned something that has been on my mind for the last couple of months. My husband asked me if i would ever consider tellin anyone about my status, hes negetive and he wonders from time to time if i will ever tell our family and friends. Unlike you i jus live my life i dont do anything dont advocate or anything like that. My answer was i dont think i fear what people would say especially the ones that i love because they love me so much i dont want them to worry so much as far as friends go they dont need to know because i think about they way they carry on about HIV like they are the lucky ones , they have lived thier lives so cleverly. But in all honesty it doesnt bother me. i told my husband that jus livin my life the way i want was jus enough for me , gettin up and doin the things that need to be done like takin care of our son and jus being me . I am not in denial but i dont to make HIV a part of my everyday life. We are free to talk about at home my husband can ask me any questions he likes and tell me his fears . We talk it about it all , but i have never felt obligated to go out there and do things coz i feel that would eat me up and break me down. So i think whatever you feel thats where your peace lies . You have to make a choice on how best to live your life and make the most it..