I called Al-Anon. In tears. Ugly, snotty, gasping for air type ass tears. The lady on the other end of the line was patient as I struggled to ask for where the meetings be at. Knowing good, damned well I could have probably Googled the time and locations myself. But I just needed somebody to hear me. I needed someone to hear my pain and understand. I really wanted her to give me all of the solutions that had worked for other people. The ingredients to the magic potion. Or the words to the prayer. That makes a loved one stop using and abusing drugs. I mean, I ain’t ask her for all of this. But...
Ci Ci's blog
12 years, 10 months. Approximately 4,687.27 days. A few drug regimens. Stigmatizing traumas. A HIV- negative child. What feels like 1,000 and 1 doctor's appointments. 502 stabs to my left arm. Because that's where my good veins are at. Rejection. Lonely, tear-filled nights. And I'm STILL not a long-term survivor of HIV. Hell, and I've had it too damn long and am too experienced at this shit to be considered newly diagnosed. So here I sit. Somewhere in the middle. With the other people who have been living around a decade with this virus. A generation of people living and thriving with this...
I dunno. Yay February!?! These short 28 days of Black History! A time when the world tries to act like they actually give a damn about Black people.
Awwwww shit. Here comes the uncomfortable feelings. The ones that come when I don't have a man by my side. I'm going to try to explain what I'm feeling, which is hard because I don't really believe half of this mess. I feel good, for the most part. I feel free. Like, I've been sleeping with clean laundry on the other side of the king bed for days now. Cus it ain't nobody to come in here and move it somewhere else – more than likely to the pile of dirty clothes and then I would have to start all the way back over with separating the stuff back out. Free as in I can take whatever phone call I...
Do you know what I am going to do IF I HAVE TO ATTEND ONE MORE GOT DAMNED VIRTUAL MEETING?
You ever met somebody who had ALL the STDs? Welp, that would be me. Well, maybe not all of them. But I have enough. So you know about the HIV. Blah blah blah. But I wasn't so pressed to tell you about the Herpes part. HS fucking V. I feel disgusting even writing it. But I have that one too. The genital kind. The one that makes you break out. And hurts. Matter of fact. That's how I knew something wasn't right. It was burning when I peed. And HIV didn't feel like that. This one is different. It can make sex very uncomfortable. And you gotta keep a prescription of Valtrex on deck for it. I heard...
Never would I ever think that I would be the one telling the story from this side. But they told us never to say never anyways, so I guess that is where I first went wrong. The second misstep happened when I slept with that dude without a condom. This guy that I barely knew and probably didn't have no business messing with in the first place had convinced me, through no major provoking, that I was safe with him. And I believed it. That was my bad. Many of us have done it though. You know, slipped up. But this slip up was more like a punch to the throat. Sometimes, we get fortunate in these...
Heal, they said. It will make you feel better, they lied. Whew, chile! I must say that my healing adventure has been quite a one.
I talk often about finding the silver lining in the dark times in our lives... ... yet, I am fully aware of how difficult this can be at times.