This month marks my 9th year of living with HIV. Wow. Wait, this month marks my 9th year of living with HIV? I had to write it again because who would ever have thought I'd be here? The wild part is it took until two days ago for me to be triggered by the thought. That's a small wonder because usually by mid-August I'm getting all up in my feelings and having crazy anxiety. I don't have that this year. I'm triggered but not in the same negative way. Co-incidentally, my 49th birthday is next month. Being diagnosed just before 40 meant I was less focused on that milestone than I may have been. I...
Red40something's blog
I'm going to go out on a limb and assume something. Don't get mad if I'm overstepping or overstating. I know it doesn't apply to everyone, but it's common enough. It's just a little something that I know to be true for me, and over time have found to be true for others. If you've been taking antiretroviral therapy (ART) for any longer than—let's say a year and a half or more—you've experienced some form of pill fatigue. Brand new to HIV or a long-term survivor, you've felt it, even if it was just a fleeting emotion. I'm using it as an all-encompassing term to include all sorts of emotions and...
I filled out a questionnaire today. It was about wise words that I would offer to someone newly diagnosed with HIV. It's interesting to me to see how my perspective has changed over the years and how it's stayed the same.
I have a least favorite question when it comes to HIV. It annoys me. It didn't always, but over time due to folks' reactions and overheard statements, it gets on my damn nerves. "May I ask you something?" I answer it because I know it has value and I know on some levels it DOES matter. I also temper my response and control my Scorpio side-eye of death while answering. Make no mistake, it's not out of shame. I'm just annoyed. It's like asking a woman her age. If she doesn't volunteer, don't ask. "How did you get it?" It's innocuous enough as questions go. Most of the time, even with all the...
There is a moment of clarity in some things. It's a crystal clear picture. You can can see yourself as if you were in portrait mode. It's like that moment you put a quarter in an arcade pinball machine. You're focused on trying to see the angles before the ball ever hits the chute. Still, sharp, while all around you is muted and blurry. Holding my breath. Head in my hands. Eyes closed. Feeling it wash over me. I'm not saying it, but it's vibrating through my spirit. I can't take this shit anymore. The thought is loud as it bounces around in my head. I can't take this shit anymore. The heavy...
For a whole bunch of reasons no one but me cares about, I've been doing some research and compartmentalizing in my life.
resilient: (of a substance or object) able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching or being compressed.
Hello Queens! We are off to a new start! 2021 on deck! Heeeeyyyyy nowwwww! Rock with it! Do your dance with it! Snap your fingers to it! Tip your champagne glass and shake your shimmy Girl! Toast to a new year.
I was making tacos last night (I make amazing tacos by the way), and I had the thought that I wished I was making them for someone else. Cooking for someone else. Almost simultaneously realized how lonely I am. It hurt my damn feelings.
I forget to cry sometimes. I forget how. Is it really forgetting if I shove it from my mind?