I have kind of “mixed-feelings” with the virus. At one hand, it had ebbed away my life, at other it gave me a new lease of life, with new meaning, and more importantly, the new “ME”. The scars on my left arm is more than enough to say what I have been through--hell and back!! Therefore, I understand that every person, irrespective of their condition and lifestyle, carries their painful PAST to their PRESENT which also paves the way for their FUTURE, depending on how they look at life.
In my own words, I would say “ Care a damn about the world, care a damn about people and a damn about how life is going for you”. Just face it and go with the flow, practically and logically. And use your head (read “brains”) more than heart (feelings/emotions).
I know it is easier said than done. There were times when I had shut myself out from the world, crying to my heart's content, trying to find answers to “why” it is happening to me. Many a times, I look at my reflection on the mirror and think “Aren't I good enough? What IF I wasn’t seropositive? What then?” That’s the very point of a time we all fail to realize that we are wallowing in nothing but SELF PITY, going into self-destruction mode (i.e., depression), letting the virus take control of our body/mind/soul and then eventually our life! Are we worth that? Do our souls have to bend to such negativism?
What are we gonna gain out of self pity anyway? We cannot “force” someone to love as the way we love them. Love has to happen and come from “within”, not per our request to be loved. We cannot be friends with those who prefer not to be with us just because of the “label” that is attached to us. All the more, we cannot beg our families/relatives, our very own blood, not to desert us, especially when we need them the most, all due to ignorance in the society that leads to stigma, discrimination, hatred, ostracisation and what-nots. The only best thing we can do is to HELP OURSELVES and evolve. Instead of wallowing in self-pity that further depresses us, let's help bond with other PLWHAs who may also be going through the same rough patch. EDUCATION TO ERADICATE IGNORANCE IS THE ONLY WAY TO EMPOWERMENT.
Ya self pity is a good drug. If you cold bottle it it would knock cack off the market. But here is the thing the effect of self pity wears off and we are still left with our malady. ThAnk God we are in an age where there is the cocktail . As I told Maria I came out negative I HAVE the malady of addiction. I'm sober 16 years but thAt means I'm in remission. And I came very close to catching HIV. I was so worried that I asked Maria to be online until I find out my results. She's my Gaurdian Angel. We are human. Don't beat urself up over self pity. I keep the Montra I'm not my body I am Spirit. I still have waves of self pity and depression. So go easy on yourself. I know u are thinking well u don't have it but I have other maladies. Like OCD anxiety and depression that's crippling. I hope I haven said anything out of line. I wish u all the best. Bob Hunley
the way you described it is my feelings exactly. I always tell people that it may sound strange but HIV gave me a new and improved life. it opened my eyes to the beauty in the world and took away the negative things that was holding me in bondage. lI am like the Lorax (kids movie) today I am a lover of the trees, I really hear the birds songs now. today I am positive and have been for 20 years and it was a blessing in desquise....I am positive in more ways than one!!!! what I mean by that is I am fully aware and mentally focused on living and not just surviving!
You are really very strong and making others feel the same way . I salute you for your courage. I am about to be diagnosed but i am certain i got infected. Just for easing me out i had been looking through pages to find some motivation and i must admit you, you are a source of inspiration. I in fact made only first mistake of my life, just forgot everything , people who are dependent on me, my career my achievement and now everything just look to appear in alternate dimension , we just can remember and cry. You are right in your statement " use your head not emotions" , its very easy for people who are capable , but i think neither I am capable nor you are as it appears from your last blog entries. Our hunger for self esteem and love is the biggest hurdle and source of depression, just a feeling that if past could have been undone brings more pain than anything.
I just wonder even after such commitment you attempt suicide so what would be with me, it was like shock. I am also thinking like this but again your approach give positive energy. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Raj,
Sorry for the late response. Thanks so much for the comment. You can find me out in facebook by the same name (Jyoti Surve). Mistakes, well......If you have "accepted" it as mistake then also accept it as the part of your karmic cycle and don't blame yourself for the cause. We all are capable of doing everything and it is only from mistakes that we rise from the fall. So cheer up, accept the things as they are, put a smile on your face, and you will see the world a beautiful place, believe me :)