Suffering in silence has serious consequences.
The elephant in the room can no longer be hidden, and while society as a whole needs to reevaluate its solution to mental health, we see the stigma involved with Mental Health is exactly the same shaming as found in HIV. We need to play a part in the process to remove these effects controlling us and leaving us and others ill informed.
Going into care has been mind blowing. I learned that Stigma is wherever there is misunderstanding or ignorance; including fear of being educated.
I am almost thirty days into the progress. I am now realizing how refreshing it was to rest, take my time, be in a controlled place, getting my proper meds, having people there who didn't judge.
The day I was released I came back down from my unicorn high and remembered I cannot run from myself or my problems.
Armed with new information, I am able to fill my days with things to do. I been hiding though denial and the fact I need time to hurt.
When I was in care I had a private room where I could escape and be vulnerable if I needed to. I could talk to trained staff. I seemed ok so they let me go.
Now I am armed; yes, with what to do.
The question I have is "When do I get to be weak; to break down for a moment to address the hurt, to grieve the loss?"
I left care and realized I am just beginning this journey. Mental health has a lot to do with how I handle my HIV and how I respond to the pain brought on by others' ignorance.
I lash out. I have no time to just cry; to let the emotions come. I don't have that honor to be me because so many believe I can do this, no crying. Just do it.
Well I tell you. I am strong! Yet even the strongest person needs someone and needs proper rest, food, spiritual needs and support from like minded persons.
I am going to address the aftercare. I am struggling just as I was when I went in because I need space to be me. I should be allowed to hurt out loud as long as I am not hurting anyone else.
I don't get how this mental health stuff goes. I do know its debilitating and I am afraid.
I fear for others. I do the most fucked up shit, say inappropriate stuff. I am a hot mess.
I am smart though I act dumb and make dumb choices. USED to come easy; atleast now I think some first.
Care has given me the hope I need to take the next step. Follow the suggestions and get clean. Stay on my meds physical / medical. Call for help, enjoy time alone with myself.
I still enjoy a drink from time to time; who am I kidding I spent two nights in a row hurting so I drank beer alone at the bar until 3 am. Never used the drug yet I went to where I knew no one accepted me and they are mean to me over the whole I got this dis-ease. Yes, I do and it's called YOU. The bar is close so I go there, with intent to cry, laugh, or just write.
I would say I am still doing things that hurt me more than anyone else, I am now going to NAMI support classes and getting involved in a volunteer place to get to know like minded people. This is a great help.
I don't want to bore you with all the details... Just want to say. I don't feel alone anymore. There are so many here. So happy I have this outlet to write in case someone else thinks they can no longer hang on. We can do this together so I need to stay in the moment and share my ass off to help those still looking for their voice. I am here for you.
HIV has its place in my life, it does not run it. The stigma placed on me by others makes it seem as if it may be in control. I worry less about my health than most because I am aware of what's going on with myself in MY body.
My struggling is with trauma imposed by ignorance of my diagnosis by others, addiction and Lupus. Those few things, well, them I notice daily. There is life after tragedy and living with HIV is not a death sentence. It's a wake up call to be tested, know your partners, and don't say it can't happen to you. I am a heterosexual female and I am HIV positive.
Stay beautiful. You my friend are absolutely worth it!!!!!
