Melting Insecurities

A door once closed to my past has reopened into my present. I remember the day vividly when he walked back into my life, this man was more than a friend to me. He was handsome, charming, and very desirable. His flaws and imperfections were never too big for the warmth my body and heart desired. His swag was boastful, smooth and powerful. I drowned in every word he spoke. I could not wait to reveal my body behind closed doors.

He was my singing buddy while playing out a short version of Bonnie and Clyde during our drives in the truck. We talked about anything our minds came up with and we fussed like husband and wife. He would always tell me I made a big deal out the smallest things, I didn’t think so. At this point, we have known each other for quite a while. Everything was done spontaneously among us, as he was my provider. My children enjoyed every moment with him, which helped ease my mind. He accepted me for who I am and he is everything I desired.

I submitted to his every movement, his hands touched places that a man has not touched in years. His lips lightly pressed against my breast, his body caressed every curve. All I could do was gasp for air, my mind racing as he forcefully grabbing my long hair, as I surrender to every passionate position. My silence turned into moans of lust and every chance we had we did it again and again. He made me forget the insecurities that lied within me.

Nothing could prepare for what was about to happen next. I am flabbergasted by the words you told me, I hardly could recollect myself after I read your text. How do I respond? What do I say? Time felt like it stood still waiting for my response. Then I realized you were never my man. The words that he stated struck me the most was “I can’t be with you because of my reputation.” The hurt and pain felt like an abused woman constantly being reminded how inferior she is.

Are you ashamed of me? Is it my body? ”I can change that.” Is it my hair? “I can color that.” Is it what I wear? “I can change my rags to riches.” “Oh, it‘s my status!” You must fear my status; you must fear what others will say about you while in close proximity of an HIV positive woman. I truly understand you have to protect “your reputation” because I have to do the same. I hope you understand my actions as being a heterosexual HIV positive woman who walks with a phenomenal poise while placing her middle finger in the air.

Sian Final Thought

“I am single and ready to mingle, just a little FYI. Ladies, if you are going to engage sexually with a gentleman, please disclose your status but also educate the gentleman about HIV, care and prevention. If both parties agree to, then enjoy the moments but never let any of your insecurities overcome you especially dealing with HIV. Be confident and walk prideful no matter what obstacles you face. Just wink in the mirror and know It’s Okay.”

This blog was originally posted on Project Red, and was cross-posted with permission.