It's Always There

My head is spinning.  I am typing as fast as I can.  I fear if my fingers stop moving, I may chicken out.  But I know this is right.  Whenever opportunities have presented themselves to me that will be good for me I have felt a similar pull, a universal, gravitational tug, which I can’t escape.  My decision to write this blog is one of those opportunities.  I am terrified.  What if someone finds out my status that I am not ready to tell?  What if I can’t think of anything to write?  What if it is too overwhelming for me?  What if?  What if? What if?  My heart is still racing.  I remind myself to breathe.  Just do it Lynn.  Just do it.  I need help.  I need support.  I need sisters to walk through this with me.  I have come back to this blog site time after time for the last couple of months.  I think I knew subconsciously before deciding to write that this was the place for me.  This is the place where I can be myself, naked, transparent, scared to bits and braver than hell.  I will do my best to be as honest and present with my writing and my struggles.  Thank you for sharing with me and welcoming me into our powerful community.

I wrote the above paragraph several weeks ago.  I didn’t submit it at the time because I wanted to give myself an opportunity to consider my choice to write this blog.  As I read it again tonight I can reflect that in just the few short weeks since I applied to be a writer on this blog I have already felt a sense of relief.  There has been a slight lightening of my burden.

Yet, at the same time I am still surprised how much HIV is a part of my every waking hour over 2 years post-diagnosis.  Heck, it is even a part of my sleeping hours thanks to the medications I take and the bizarre dreams I have.  But I’ll save that for another entry.

HIV is part of my life every day.  One would be surprised at how much it infiltrates many of my thoughts.  First thing in the morning during the shower as I see my hair fall out and consider whether this is an effect of HIV or my meds or of the stress it causes me-HIV is there.  During my work day when I sit with clients and the things they talk about quite often makes me consider my HIV status-HIV is there.  When I am feeding my darling son dinner and feeling intense love for him, and the fear that I won’t always be here for him-HIV is there.  At night, before bed, when I take my meds-HIV is there.  These examples are minimal.  I don’t think I could ever quite explain how much it is a part of my life.  There are a thousand things a day that remind me of my disease.  I hope it gets better.  I hope that I don’t have to always think about it.  Or perhaps that the way I think about it can morph into something healthier.

I apologize for my somewhat disjointed blog tonight.  Just a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that are all trying to get out at the same time.  Peace and sweet dreams.  ~Lynn