Hello I'm new this...

Hello I'm new this community I was diagnosed with HIV back in 2002 and I'm dealing with depression I lost my fiancée to HIV in the early part of 2002 I never really got over his death I was always crying I was questioned god I lost my faith in him because I was like why me I had friends that was having sex with a lot of men and here I was in my mid 20's had only been with 3 guys out of my life and this happens to me so I buckled down and started my MEDS but I was still battling my depression that went untreated for years I met a guy that was friends with my family he made me laugh because he saw my pain and we started talking we became cool with each other he would come over to my sister house because I moved in with her after my fiancée passed so he came along at the right time so our bond started to grow he went to jail and while he was locked up I decided to tell him that I was positive and I did and he accepted me for who I was he got out a year later we decided to be together and we was happy he wanted a family I didn't because I didn't want to bring a child in this world having to deal with him or her being positive so he understood that and respect that we had a apartment I was working and he was on August the 10th my guy was at a BBQ standing outside and a car drove up and started shooting and he got shot in the chest I received a phone call at 11:45 that night I rushed to the hospital to find all his family and friends there the doctors did all they could do he died August 10 2010 and I died all over again I went into a deep depression I wanted to just stay in the house I cried every day all day even while I was at work I couldn't get myself together so my sister told me if I didn't get myself together she was going to put me in an hospital so I build a brick wall and moved on but as my health started to change my depression got worst I found out that I had osteoarthritis in both my knees I was on bone to bone I have arthritis in my right hip and I had a lower lumbar back strain and I was still trying to do my job my body started to break down and so did I right now today and I'm still dealing with my depression and dealing with me being hiv-positive on top of everything else it's been hell I don't even know how I have survived these traumatic things that has happened in my life and still try to stay strong I'm just 41 and my body feels like its 90. I laugh a lot to keep from crying but deep down inside I'm a wreck