I first heard the Undetectable equals Untransmittable message in 2016 and it changed everything about how I felt about myself. I was diagnosed in June of 2000 so that’s 16 years of living in the dark; for 16 years I felt like and saw myself as a living, walking, breathing bottle of poison.
For the first few years I was even too afraid to have much to do with my own children, so terrified that I could pass it on to them. HIV education wasn’t very sufficient in those days, at least not for me. I was basically given a few simple rules to follow to keep everyone in my proximity safe and then sent on my way. I was petrified of my own blood, if I hit my hand against the kitchen counter or cut myself and started to bleed I would freak out and ward everyone off, I would break out the bleach and clean everything that was bled on to neutralize the toxic biohazard that I created... that I was.
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