HIV and depression

I’ve fought depression for nearly 15 years and HIV for only 3.  Over the past 15 years, I have consistently taken my prescription anti-depressant medications.  But after being diagnosed with HIV 3 years ago, something stopped me. I’m not exactly sure what.

I suppose I fell into a depression after being diagnosed with HIV, which should have been all the more reason to take my anti-depression medications.  But it seemed to be more of an excuse.  I sporadically took my anti-depressants over the past 3 years and completely stopped 6 months ago when my doctor advised me that my CD4 count had began to decrease and I would need to begin taking HIV meds soon.  

This seemed to spiral my depression even further.  I felt I needed a “break” from medication.  I was about to begin a life-long regimen of medication, required to keep me healthy, not just happy, but healthy.  This was truly going to be a life-long commitment.  

Now, 6 months later, I’m miserable.  Miserable to the point of being angry.  Angry at the world and angry at myself. I’ve realized that I wasn’t doing myself any favors by taking a “break.”  I only hurt myself and my family.  It’s easy to forget how my actions affect those I love so much.

This morning, I took my first dose of anti-depressants in 6 months.  I need to be happy again.  I need to feel whole again.  I need to do this for myself, but also my family.  I have begun to accept the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life.  But it is because of these medications that I will be able to live a long, healthy and even happy life!