There is a moment of clarity in some things. It's a crystal clear picture. You can can see yourself as if you were in portrait mode. It's like that moment you put a quarter in an arcade pinball machine. You're focused on trying to see the angles before the ball ever hits the chute. Still, sharp, while all around you is muted and blurry. Holding my breath. Head in my hands. Eyes closed. Feeling it wash over me. I'm not saying it, but it's vibrating through my spirit. I can't take this shit anymore. The thought is loud as it bounces around in my head. I can't take this shit anymore. The heavy...
Red40something's blog
For a whole bunch of reasons no one but me cares about, I've been doing some research and compartmentalizing in my life.
resilient: (of a substance or object) able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching or being compressed.
Hello Queens! We are off to a new start! 2021 on deck! Heeeeyyyyy nowwwww! Rock with it! Do your dance with it! Snap your fingers to it! Tip your champagne glass and shake your shimmy Girl! Toast to a new year.
I was making tacos last night (I make amazing tacos by the way), and I had the thought that I wished I was making them for someone else. Cooking for someone else. Almost simultaneously realized how lonely I am. It hurt my damn feelings.
I forget to cry sometimes. I forget how. Is it really forgetting if I shove it from my mind?
I had an epiphany this morning. Funny how they sneak up on you. Not only that, but funny how they are usually shit you already know on some level, but now, all of a sudden, you KNOW, know. I wanted to punch someone in the throat for saying some dumb annoying thing to me about HIV. I was trying to compartmentalize and find a better way than violence to deal. I was bullied a little as a young girl. Not badly. I either ignored it (pretended to) to seem unbothered, or I was PISSED and ready to fight. I had either one reaction or the other mostly. I only cried once or twice that I remember. It did...
As we hit 2020 I have a few things to share with you. Things I hope for you to carry with you into 2020. Finding this community of women to share with and be open with has been such a blessing. I'm so grateful to the Well Project for being an open and reliable resource for help navigating this life. Thank you to all who have shared your stories. It is a beautiful thing to not feel so alone. Have the most amazing year my friends in this journey that is life with HIV. My 5 wishes for you all! BELIEF- In yourself, in your abilities, in your power. Belief that you matter and deserve a beautiful...
I am devastatingly tired. Today it is a weight pressing on my spirit. It is almost as if it's the only emotion I have room for.
The pursuit of normal is such an abnormal thing. This idea popped in my head in response to something; now I can't get it out.