I am trapped, in a corner I am paralysed by fear. I fear if I leave him my kids will grow up fatherless like me. I fear if I leave I will never find another partner. Who will look at an HIV positive dirvocee with two kids? I fear being lonely. Funny really coz I'm lonely even when he's by my side. He gave me a life line when I was desperate @ my time of need. He was there but he's changed. Am I holding onto a ghost? I may be HIV positive but I know I'm worthy to be loved. I"m worthy to be cherished. I am worthy. I KNOW MY WORTH. Mano
sharonm10's blog
I thought I knew what is important in my life; my health and my kids, the rest just comes after but life had a surprise in store for me. A broken heart. My blood count is way up, but my heart is broken. My kids are fit and healthy, but my heart is broken. Who knows how to fix a broken heart? Is there a tablet for it? I can deal with a lot of things, I just don't know how to heal a broken trust, a broken promise. I need to take a step towards healing but this time its not physical its emotional healing. And maybe that is my major problem, physically I am fine, emotionally I am a wreck. So if...
I can't help but ask why, why Lord. Haven't I suffered enough? For how long am I supposed to fight? I feel like I'm in a constant battle. Now I have a new enemy added to my list, 'bowel disease' still to be defined after I have done a batch of tests. ' Could be life threatening, the doctor said. I replied bring it on, while putting on my brave mask. Inside I'm petrified but I will keep the faith that's all I have. This too shall pass. Mano
I received the news that I have been accepted do my Masters degree. I was excited beyond words. As I shared these wonderful news with a close friend of mine I could not help but notice the worry in her eyes. She tells me, you are doing too much! I don't think you will be able to handle the stress in your condition, slow down she said. It was like somebody has punched the wind out of my tummy. This is one more step of victory for me, I am not a victim. How do I show the world that I am 'normal' human being who happens to have HIV. I am not fragile, I am able. 'I have the courage to live. Please...
I woke up today to the smell of my little girl's lavender scented hair and my son's chocolate milk breath and I felt at peace, I am happy, in the moment. Because HIV has taught me to live in the present moment. It has taught me to love, laugh and cry in the moment. It taught me not to look back for it won't change my status. It taught me to live with my mistakes and learn from them. Most importantly I have learnt the true meaning of one day at a time. For me, that one day @ a time has turned to 7 years and still counting. I have learnt to surrender to God's will. Mano
It's my birthday today. I'm turning 31 and you, Mr. virus, its your 7th year celebration living in my body, I suppose. I realized today that i need for me and you to be civil to each other. You see, my babies are very young I need to be there for them. I need to see them grow up. I must be alive and for a very long time. You need to behave yourself, dont throw me any nasty surprises. Do not forget i will always be ready to fight if you dont keep your end of the deal. Yours sincerely, your landlord Mano
The year started with good news for me. My baby girl tested negative, my viral load has gone down to undetectable. It goes to show as long as you keep focused, be as healthy as you can, you can put up a good fight for your health. After all, this is the one chance we have to life, we have to fight. 2011 I'm claiming my health back from HIV piece by piece. Mano
I have always joked with my sister and said when things get tough in my marriage, she must always expect me & I will be carrying my ARV’s in my handbag, pulling a suitcase and my boy on the other hand. With the arrival of my little girl last week, I now have to change my plan...will probably go without the suitcase as I will need both hands to hold my angels and the handbag on one shoulder. I am taking baby steps im my life at this point. Baby steps while recovering form the operation (c-section), baby steps in getting my health and body back into shape, pregnancy can take the” yummy-ness” out...
99.5% of the time I am alright. Maybe even forgetting my so called “situation”. 0.1% I meet everyday when I take my medication. The 0.4% happens in rare occasions like last week. I woke up with a rash all over my body. My mind was racing, automatically the rash = new medication = Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. I have met this fellar before as my cousin nearly died from it. I panicked, I worried and raced to the doctor who eventually diagnosed me with a food allergy (citrus allergy). That is the difference between me and a person living without a chronic illness. A small thing like a rash can strike...
Some days I feel at peace, some days I feel the anger, the fear and the sadness when I think about my condition. But I know that what’s important is to live in the moment. To face reality head on. My reality is that I have passed the 3 months landmark in my pregnancy. In this moment I am celebrating. In this moment I am faced with medication changes. In this moment I am worried how my body is going to react to the new medication. In this moment I am worried about my health stability. In this moment I know that truth and acceptance are my only best friends. In this moment I know God will never...